The American Idolater

See, here’s AI in Dallas. Why couldn’t Kristy Lee Cook just have auditioned in the city where she’s living, rather than allegedly selling her horse to fly to an audition in Philly? I guess maybe she didn’t get through in Dallas (or any other city), so kept traveling to one audition city after another, and finally made it through at Philly (the last city they held auditions in)? Very possible.

So who do we have tonight? Aside from a contestant really naming her kid Idol? Are you kidding me? That’s worse than Temptress and LaTrina from yesterday’s show. Well, ok, maybe not worse than Latrina… So where does that leave us?

Well, one early leader in Pia “Zpia” Easley, who was easily the best singer we’ve heard so far. Given the track record of great auditions turning into poor performances over the past few singers, I don’t want to get my hopes up or anything. I’ll just say she was the best we’ve heard so far.

Bruce Dickson — Bruce was the extra-creepy never-kissed-a-girl guy whose creepy dad had a heart locket around his neck that only Bruce had the key to open. And, well, not much to say about it, other than the performance wasn’t very interesting, and Bruce needs to hurry up and discover his true sexual orientation. Or maybe he already has, and just doesn’t want to tell his dad. You never know with these crazy virgin kids.

Paul Stafford — Roller coaster enthusiast who couldn’t sing, but did make the whole show worthwhile with his “Simon goes down on just about everybody” line. I love you, Paul.

Brandon Green — Collects his fingernails in a bag. Or, at least, used to, but still has the bag, and figured that would get him on television. Good call, I guess. His voice could be good with some training, but definitely not good enough for Hollywood. Wait, what? They’re putting him through to Hollywood? Wow, ok. They’ve turned down much better singers than Brandon in the past. Interesting strategy. Maybe the producers aren’t letting enough decent singers appear in front of the judges, so they’re letting through a bigger percentage of the non-joke ones that they get?

Kayla Hatfield — The car crash girl, whose hairdo was strategic enough that I didn’t even notice at first. She doesn’t sing very well, and it’s too bad because she seems fun. Wait, what? They’re putting her through to Hollywood? Wow, ok. It’s pretty obviously a pity ticket, and she’s not going to get much further. Unless she was just extremely nervous in that performance and turns out to be much better than we heard.

Kady Malloy — Kind of forgettable. Memorable only because she did singing impersonations — which, since I’ve never heard the originals, I’m pretty clueless about whether they were good or not — and because she’s pretty. The judges loved her, though, saying she was the best they’ve heard so far. But according to the way the show was edited they’d already heard Pia by now, so I can’t agree with that.

Douglas Davison — I think Douglas may have been sincere with his audition, which isn’t a pleasant thought. He’s the kid who wandered around the audition room, moaning and making weird panting noises while he sings. Every time I think that I’ve heard every possibly way to sing badly, a new American Idol contestant shows up to prove me wrong. That panting between lines is pretty unique. He also has a cool arm movement that he’s pretty proud of. So all in all it wasn’t a total loss.

Angela Reilly — Blonde chick with the male model boyfriend who really seems to think that Angela can sing. I guess that’s why he wasn’t on America’s Most Smartest Model.

Kyle Ensley — Dude in a tie who wants to be the future governor of Oklahoma. I expected a jokey audition, but should have picked up the college choir vibe. Not great, but good enough to get through on a night when Kayla and Brandon also did. He probably has some of that Clay Aiken makeover potential, only hopefully without the creepiness that Clay brought to the game.

Jessica Brown — Yet another Carrie Underwood clonebot, some Jesus farm girl type. Already forgotten, even if she got through to Hollywood on the “Carrie Has Made Us Lots of Money” ticket.

Drew Poppelreiter — Drew is super-farmer kid who loves being a farmer, but loves singing also. How to ever reconcile the two? He’s boring in a country twang way, and gets through on the Carrie Underwood ticket as well.

Kyle Reinneck — Kyle has orange skin, guyliner, black clothing, and thinks he’s a rocker. He should probably meet up with the key necklace virgin from earlier and help him find his inner Seacrest. He sings some forgettable un-rock song, and gets sent off pretty quickly (although Randy thinks Ryan Seacrest really needs to hear about the latest advances in guyliner.)

Nina Shaw — Nina comes from the same hometown as Kelly Clarkson, and the judges can’t get over themselves for discovering someone so profitable. She’s boring, but gets put through, because hey, did we mention Kelly Clarkson?

Renaldo Lapuz — Renaldo looks amazing for being 44 years old, has a bird pimp outfit and a Simon hat, and sings us a song about brotherhood and craziness. Come on everyone, sing along! I am your brother, your best friend forever, singing the songs, the music that you love. 82 more times! It made me laugh, though. You know Renaldo is totally coming back during the finale to serenade Simon once more.

Oh, and there was a medley of a Kelly Clarkson song — because hey, did we mention Kelly Clarkson? It’s the song I’ve only heard because Ted Leo covered it and everyone talked about it and I had to download it and listen and now I know a Kelly Clarkson song. Lucky me.